I blame the fact that I have been in customer service for so long, but I have learned how to put on a face to make everyone think that I am happy when really I am not. I am in one of those place right now, where I just feel like everything is going wrong. Instead of people trying to fix it, I would like people just to be able to acknowledge that I am not perfect and I have my down days.
I miss my friends. I miss my missionaries, and I miss my friends that are scattered everywhere now that we are no longer in high school. I even miss the friends that are still here, but never have time for me. I get frustrated because I feel like I care more about them then they do about me. I try so hard, and when I don't hear from people, I feel alone.
I am sick of feeling like people judge me for everything that I do. I hate that I feel like I need to watch what I say, what I wear, what I listen to, what I watch. It is enough to drive someone insane! I wish that people could just accept me for who I am. And if they don't like something, or if I don't do something that they would do, I wish that they could just be okay with me being me. Say, "we don't agree on everything, but we don't have to."
I am sick of being the person that has to take care of everything at work. I have learned how to multi-task that, in general, I can get everything that I need to done, but when I can't, I wish that there was someone there to say, "you did a great job and I will handle the rest" not leave it there for me to do the next day.
I wish that I knew how to accept change. I am afraid of the unknown, and once I fall into a certain pattern, it scares me when a change is forced on me, and there is nowhere else to go but forward.
I am scared of the noises that my car is making. I wish I knew how to fix it, or that I knew at least what was wrong with it, even though I don't have the money to fix it anyway. I try so hard to take care of my car, that I am really frustrated that things aren't working the way that they are supposed to.
I feel like I have so much to live up to with my family. I run into people that haven't seen us for a while, so they run down the list: "writing for a newspaper, the doctor, the paralegal, the MA". I feel the judgement and the disappointment when they get to me and I can't even afford to go back to college yet. They look down at the job I have now as a dead end job, and I have nowhere to go from there.
This mood will pass, but I just wanted to be honest with everyone, especially myself, about what it is I am feeling right now. So, here is a piece of me that I am sharing with you. Thank you for listening.
3 comments:
I think that you just described the feelings that everyone has at one time or another, especially for women. Every one has feelings of inadequacy or loneliness at one time or another. I admit that I have been feeling very much like you have described for a little while now. And it usually has nothing to do with how "successful" you are in life.
I think that we all go through times of self-evaluation and wonder if we are being the best that we can be and what we need to do to ease that feeling in our minds that we should be doing something different, or more, or better, or whatever. Just know that you don't need to make excuses for who you are, you have many people that love you and care for you. I think that most of us become so busy with our life that we forget to live our life and to have time for others. If you are going on a trip, part of the point is to enjoy the journey, not just getting to the destination. And there is nothing wrong in having a bad day. Life is not a race and there is no "right" way to have to live it.
Love ya, Nolana
It means a lot to me when people write such honest blogs. I like that we've all been able to vent about one thing or another, and the rest of the family may not like it or agree, but they take it in stride. I think Allison said it to Mom once, but it's good to know that you trust us enough to write about when everything ISN'T wonderful.
I'm not surprised by anything you wrote. I know you miss your friends, I'm sure you get frustrated with work, and I'm sure you don't like being jugded by how you're different than the majority of people here. All I can say is, the more you know about yourself and where you're going, the less you let things bother you. And yeah, I think that's almost a direct quote from Lost in Translation.
I don't know if it helps, but I'm constantly impressed by everything that you can handle and the way you handle yourself. I'm impressed with your job and like it because it pays you to be creative. And I think that it's great that even though you may feel pressure to fit in, you really do't show it. You do what you want to do in a way that's not really rebelling, it's more that you do what makes you feel good and you on't make excuses.
I love you so much. And I look up to you so much. You've always been so good to me and Jay, and it's so fun to watch you with Kameryn. I hope you know you can always come to me with anything.
I love you, Chelsee, and I am so proud of the person you are.
It is okay that you are doing something that you enjoy. You still have time to go back to school when you are ready. You are only 19 and you still have a lot of time ahead of you. You don't have to feel that you are going nowhere. Wesley just sort of gravitated to the job he has now. He went through Preston, Idaho and Beijing, China to get where he is. Allison has always seemed to know what she wants and where she is going, but there are times when she wonders if it is worth all the effort and sacrifice she has given it. Danae started college, just like you, and only went a short time before she decided it was not what she wanted. She just went with opportunities that presented themselves and found that she really liked being a legal secretary. Then she took advantage of another opportunity that came along and became a paralegal. Kjersti hasn't been an MA all that long. Her path lead through BR, Einstein's and Arctic Circle, before she settled on the medical field. Her latest blog says that she hadn't foreseen her life being what it is today. It just takes a while for people to realize what they want and how to get where they want to go. Somehow it happens, and if you keep your eyes open and look for opportunities, your life will also evolve into what you want. In the meantime, you don't have to just wait for things to happen to you. You can choose the direction your life takes.
Life changes, yes, and friends can go in different directions, but you can make more friends. Look at Allison. She has good friends she met in college, on the road and in medical school, but she has only very few still from high school. In my opinion, that is their loss, not hers.
You can also ask for help when you can't do it yourself. Your family is here to support and encourage you. You don't have to prove anything to us. We all love you just the way you are and we can't wait to see how you take on your life. It can be a pretty wild ride, or it can just slowly evolve into some beautiful creation of your own. If you listen to your heart as well as your brain and don't let fear have its way, you will be fine.
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