I am kind of going through a hard time right now. The first one is self-inflicted. I gave up my caffiene addiction a little over a week ago. I have been having to take pain killer at least once a day to help me deal with the headaches I get from the withdrawl. So, my head hates it, but the rest of my body loves it. I sleep a lot better, and feel more rested when I wake. It is hard to explain fully how it feels to me not being on Live Wire anymore. It is kind of like the feeling of taking a deep breath of clean air after not being able to for a while, or like taking a cold drink afyter being really thirsty. I don't know. I just really like it. I still really want to be on it, and I don't think that I get as much done as I used to, but I think in the long run it is a lot better for me.
The second thing takes a lot of explaining. I have been having a lot of issues with Will and I didn't really want to tell the family, because I didn't know if I was just over-reacting to everything and I didn't want the permanent disapproval from the family like I have in anything that deals with Eddy. Anyways, so the weekend before our Cedar/Shakespeare trip was the last time that I saw Will. Even then, I didn't get to see him for very long because he had a wedding to go to for one of his former MTC Companions and then he had a date with one of Kennedy's Norweigein friends that came to stay with him when he came home. Anyways, Will also came up the weekend we were in Cedar, but I didn't get a chance to see him. I am used to hearing from him though, so I would call him and leave messages, or send him text messages to see how his life in Ely was going. Over three weeks passed and I hadn't heard anything from him. I was trying really hard to not take it personally. I know that he doesn't always have service down there, so just assumed that he was busy. Finally, I asked Kennedy if he had heard from Will. He got really confused and said, "Yeah. He was just here last weekend." Will had come up, and not even told me.
I confronted Will about it, and we got into a big fight. He said that I always over-react to everything and instead of assuming that he was just busy, I always just assume it is the worst case scenerio. He said that he came up, but that he didn't have time to see me, so he didn't mention it to me. I can see his point if I believed him. The problem I see with the whole thing is that he had time to hang out with Kennedy and other friends that we both have in common, so it would have been really easy to invite me along if he had wanted me there. I also started thinking about how I am always concerned with how he is doing, but I can't remember the last time he asked me that. Okay, that is a lie, but it has been a long time. So, we got into this huge texting fight, (he wouldn't answer when I called him, and when he tried to call me, I was working so I couldn't answer). We more or less resolved things, but he told me that he wasn't coming up for my birthday because he didn't have the time or the money to do so. I thought he was still mad at me because he also never called or said "Happy Birthday" to me in any way, shape or form.
I thought things were getting better though when Kennedy called me to come hang out with him and Will on Friday. Will was back in town, and he had been talking to Kennedy about how he hoped that I didn't still think he was mad, etc.. and that he should see me while he was here. Then he went on a trip to Moab for the weekend and came back on Monday. Eddy, Will and I went and saw a movie together. It was fun.
Kennedy and I were supposed to hang out on Tuesday, but since Will is only here until Saturday, we met up at Will's so that we could all hang out together. When we got there, Will wanted to show Kennedy an e-mail and said that I couldn't be hear it and made me leave while he talked to Kennedy about it. I had already had a bad day at work, so this put me in an even worse mood. After we were all hanging out together, Will was bouncing off the walls happy. He literally couldn't sit still. I had heard Kennedy from the other room say, "Well, just tell her how you feel. She has been pretty honest with you." After dragging the wtory out of them later, I guess what happened was that Will met this Brazilian girl while he was in the MTC. they have been writing to each other ever since. After he got home, they have been calling each other and writing e-mails, etc... and I guess she just wrote him an e-mail telling him how much she likes him and that if they were in the same country, they would probably be dating. I guess Will really, really likes her too, so while Kennedy and I were in the other room, he wrote her an e-mail telling her so. Will is thinking about moving to Brazil to be with this girl, and she is coming up here to go to BYU too. Will said that he can even see himself marrying her.
Now, I know how stupid it all sounds, but it really hurt me. I know nothing ever happened between us, and he certain doesn't owe me anything, but I kind of feel like the last two years were a waste of my time. I thought I hd been doing really well. After our fight, I didn't try to talk to him at all. I thought that I was finally moving passed everything, especially since my feeling of waiting had finally lifted. Seeing him so happy about this other girl though made me realize that I am not over it nearly as much as I thought I was. I feel like the real reason that Will and I aren't really friends anymore is that he knows I still like him, so the only person that was fooled by how hard I was trying to move on was me. so, here I go again, watching the guy that I like getting ready to marry someone that isn't me.
So, now that I have had my cry about it, I hope that this time, I know that everything is over and that I can finally move on. I hope that chapter of my life is finally over so that I feel that I can move on. I hope that I can become as strong as I pretend to be, so that things like that don't effect me as much anymore. I hope that with his moving up to Logan, it can be an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" type of thing so that I don't hurt like this anymore.
6 comments:
I do understand how much something like this hurts. I don't think anyone ever completely gets over someone who they have truly loved. A person who you have loved changes you and then that part of you always feels a big empty hole when the person you love is gone. Life, however, does have a way of going on, even when you don't want it to. For me, time has made it a little easier. You just have to keep believing that, for someone as young as you are, there is someone else out there and you have to do your best to be ready for him when you meet him. And you have to believe that you will be okay by yourself in the meantime. I am sorry to see these things happening to you and I hurt for you. But I know that someday you will fall in love with someone who will love you, too, and then the pain moves to the background. I also know that this is not the kind of thing you want to hear when you are hurting, but it is still true. I love you.
So sorry to hear how things have been going with Will. Just remember that you can do better than him. I went through a similar experience with my ex. It took me a while to get over it and it hurt for a long time, but you will get over it and move on and you will be a better person for having gone through it. I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but believe me. If he doesn't realize what he has in front of him, then he is a fool and you don't need to be with a fool who can't see how great he really has it. Good luck, and lots of love.
I also just want to tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this right now. It is never easy to try to let go or stop thinking about someone who you probably think about on a daily basis. If you ever want to come over and talk (or cry) I hope you know our door is always open!
We all think you are a wonderful, loyal and supportive friend. You need people in your life who are going to give you the same consideration as you give them.
Time to make a clean break and move on.
First off, congrats on going off the caffeine--that must have been super tough (and I can relate to the withdrawal-headaches!).
Second, know that you CAN find someone out there that's much better for you---because you deserve someone who is willing to give as much as you are and have those same feelings for you as you have for them. Don't lose hope. Hope you're well other than all this not-so-fun stuff.
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