I have been kind of sad lately, and the is that I finally decided just to write to Will and tell him that I liked him. This was his response:
Oh, Chelsee. In all honest truth, I already knew. So it's nothing surprising. Nothing in that e-mail was awkward at all except for all the stuff Sarah wrote. Talk about putting words into my mouth! Oh, well. It really strikes me more as funny than anything else. But yes I already knew and I know that you already knew my own motives for how I live my life and I have nothing but gratitude that you have respected me so. In part this is why I get so mad when people come after you about religious things. It's because I know you and I know that one does not have to be Mormon to be a good person, and you are a good person. So it makes me mad when people assume otherwise.
My own confession time. You probably already know or at least have assumed, and I'm sorry if this hurts, but I have not liked you in that way at any time. In truth there are very few that I have. For reasons that I don't feel like trying to explain, I am a very reserved person especially in the realm of feelings. I am not one to show emotion, nor to express emotion. I am very careful about how I extend my feelings toward others. As such I have never been pulled about by the whimsical pulls and tugs that often beset teenagers. And the possible deeper connections never had a chance to develop. What I seek is something greater than mere affection, attraction, or any other such insubstantial thing. Love in it's truest form is my goal. The part of Sarah's e-mail that is right, is that I know that such can only be found in the Gospel. Even if I did like you, she is right in that I still would not date you.
Anyway, I hope that this doesn't hurt you or anything like that. You are my friend and you always will be. You are someone that I can count on. I hope you also know that you can count on me, too.
With Love
E. William
So, I'm sad. I have really liked him for a long time, and I don't know how to move on. But, I am trying. It is just going to take me some time. I know that we are still friends, and even though his e-mail really hurt me, I know that he didn't mean it to. Part of me wonders if he is lying, because I thought I knew him so well, that I don't understand how I could have been so wrong about this, but at the same time, I know that I just wanted it so bad that I am trying to rationally explain it. Anyways... eventually I will figure this all out. I just wanted you all to know why I have been down. :(
2 comments:
Oh, sweet Chelsee! I'm sorry. It's always so hard when the one you love doesn't love you back. Do we need to sit down and all watch The Holiday again? :) I know it hurts, and I will do whatever I can to help you get over your hurt. You are a great person and I think it's good that Will was honest with you. He sees how wonderful you are. He obviously still wants to be your friend, so I wouldn't cut him off completely. And down the road, who know? But let's find you someone who loves you and wants to be with you! I'm already making a list of people you could date...
Love you Sweetie. I'm so sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.
I think Will was trying to be as kind as he possibly could be under the circumstances, and still be honest with you. And there is nothing in the world, I think, that can hurt a person more or make a person feel as sad as when the one he or she loves does not feel the same. I hope, however, that you are not making up that you are unloveable. Even though Will does not love you, it doesn't mean that you are not perfect for someone else. That is the challenge of finding a partner. It will always be the case that you won't find a good "fit," until you do! In other words, you just have to keep your heart open and be willing to have it stepped on a few times until you meet someone who cares for you enough to want to be with only you. Believe me, I know that sometimes that seems hopeless. But it happens all the time. You just have to keep meeting people even when you would rather curl up in a ball on your bed and shut out the rest of the world. We have all felt that way at times, so I think we can all relate to what you are going through right now. Don't make up that it is about you. Will was raised to believe the way he does and so he loses. He would have "true love" and a devoted companion if he could see you as you are, but he can only see your lack of religion and that is a barrier between him and you. You are beautiful, intelligent, talented, responsible, tender and loving. You are good enough. You just haven't met your "Steve," "Gary," "Jay," or "Elisalyn" yet. But you will. In the meantime, you have to be your own best friend.
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